10 Things…

..I hate about living:

1) Dropping a wet article of clothing on the dirty ground at a laundermat as youre trying to transfer clothes into the dryer. At this point you basically have to invest a good 45 seconds in order to pick off the lint and other floor-crap that is now stuck to the fabric.

2) Trying to get out of the car whilst attempting to take 4 different things with you at once (to go box from a restaurant, a book, a shopping bag, half-empty coffee cup you’re still drinking out of), then awkwardly trying to close the door and not drop your keys. Most of the time I find that the door will swing back towards me (as I usually find myself parked on some sort of hill) and hit me while I’m desperately trying to gather all of my shit without dropping anything. Then I have to put something down just to open the fucking door again. It is in this situation that one will find me cussing out loud to no one..

3) Opening a can of soda and having just a little bit of it shoot up out of the can and onto your shirt, most of the time this only happens if your shirt is of a light color and new.

4) Internet gossip sites that have postings where they just link you to OTHER internet gossip sites. I don’t want to wait for another page to load, I’m already here, so just do a whole post on whatever it is you found funny in the original story! Also, there’s an 88% chance that whatever page you’re going to direct me to is blocked by my company’s web-blocker dealie. Asshole.

5) Washing the dishes and accidentally turning the water up high blast so that it bounces off the dirty saucepan you’re washing and sends grease and water flying onto whatever it is you’re wearing above the waste (Im short)– probably something nice, because you wanted to get the dishes over with before you left the house for that nice dinner party. FAIL.

6) Having a friend who text messages like she/he doesn’t realize that shits expensive. Example:
Text one: Hey!
Text two: Busy tonight
Text three: ?
Text four: Call me!
Text five: 🙂
Response: FUCK YOU.

7) Ordering a drink at Starbucks or Jamba Juice and then realizing you actually wanted something else but robotically ordered the same thing you always do. You can’t really change the order since you can see they are almost done making it. Now you have to drink that same fucking drink you always drink and your attempt to “change things up a bit” has failed.

8) Families with small children in public areas

9) Going to a family event and finding that they bought the SHITTIEST wine and there is nothing else to booze on. I’m talking nasty dessert wine that couldn’t have cost more than 4 dollars but looked “pretty” so they bought it. REALLY?? At this point im searching through their medicine cabinet for some valium. Most of the time, it’s there.

aaaaaaaaaand 10) Walking all the way to the Mexican Place 5 blocks away, drunk and dreaming of a delicious burrito, only to find that you left your wallet AND your cell phone at home. At this point, you may as well throw yourself into the street and hope for a quick death.

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Honesty Is For the e-Lazy

Last night I had only three things in mind while I navigated my car through the I-5 traffic, heading Downtown.  Exhausted from Tuesday’s 7 mile run- during which my good friend Geneva hurt her foot, causing me to run the last 3 miles alone and speedily in order to bring the car around before the sun set- and days away from my wonderful woman week (www), my body craved a long and relaxing bubble bath.  I had a couple of drops left of my favorite bath bubbles, so there was no need to stop at Wholefoods.   For dinner, I craved the red grapes that were bought on sale at Henry’s (77 cents a pound!) and were waiting for me in the fridge.  No chocolate and booze (my usual PMS go-to) for me, I defiantly told myself.  Last but not least, I was going to watch House.  I had purchased two episodes the night before from itunes and they were downloaded and ready for me.  Ready to party. 

Now I sit here cursing myself for not knowing how the hell to download illegally.  Don’t ask me what bit-torrent is, but I’ve heard rumors that tech-savvy princes and princesses from far-away lands use it to get all sorts of wonderful internet things for free.  My ineptitude at anything computer-related is basically awe-inspiring considering this day and age.  Creating a blog is about as far as it gets for me and I am otherwise useless. 

Back in the day I raised my head high and announced that I, being honest and full of integrity, would never use cyber space to steal and deceive!!!  What about those poor starving musicians?  Their income depended on record sales!  Look at how thin most of them were– they needed to eat!  Who was I to enjoy their music for free?? So I continued buying cds while the rest of my friends began evolving as human beings and learned to expand their playlists without dropping mad skrillah. 

I scoffed at them. 

Same goes for tv shows.  You see, I don’t have a television.  I’m trying to up my street cred with my StuffWhitePeopleLike peers.  So this means I depend on my shitty 5-year old iBook to entertain me.  Before the advent of Hulu.com (or maybe even during, I usually find out about this stuff years after it comes out), I purchased my stories off of itunes.  I had all the Gossip Girl, Sex and the City, Mythbusters, and what-have-you at my disposal …for $2.99 each.   Those days were glorious.  I argued that my friends, who stole, caused the writer’s strike.  I’m still pretty sure that’s what happened. 

Then hulu.com and my shitty ibook stopped seeing eye-to-eye, so back to itunes I went.

However, last night’s House-related catastrophe finally opened my eyes and showed me what others have known for years- honesty is stupid and stealing gets you ahead. 

Dr. House would know.

A quick aside, if you’ll allow:

In this tough economy, five dollars is a prized commodity.  Sure, five dollars gets you basically nothing, but a five saved here and another five  saved there–why, thats a whole ten dollars!!!   Now imagine if you had three of those tens…you, sir, now have thirty dollars and that makes you damn rich. 

What does this have to do with House?  Last night’s two episodes, including the tear-jerker where that dude dies, cost me a total of five dollars.  Those are five dollar bills that I will never see again.  You know what else I will never see?  Those two episodes I bought.  And do you know why?  Because my computer is a piece of shit and can no longer properly play videos.

I lose. 

So does he, I heard.

If I had known how to use bit-torrent, I would have discovered my computer’s new little problem at no cost to myself. 

If and when I finally get a new computer, I will steal so much music and so many movies and tv shows, it won’t even be funny. 

Hell, maybe I’ll get really crazy and learn how to do MORE internet stuff!!!  Maybe I’ll get a Twitter account and Twit the living hell out of people (is that how it even works?).  I’ll learn how to embed things and THEN I’ll learn how to de-bed them! 

I’m going to get so e-savvy you won’t even know what to do with me.  I’m going to e-rule.  I’m already getting e-lated! 

Sigh…this isn’t going to happen for me, is it?  Yeah.  Didn’t think so.

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Hello World (…i’ll just use wordpress’s generic title for now)

After years and years of stalking the interwbez and reading other people’s blogs, I have decided to finally starting putting my own thoughts on paper– I mean screen.  And so I sit here, in my pseudo-cubicle, surrounded by bills in various stages of getting paid or forgotten about, unwashed coffee mugs  sprouting bacteria colonies, three different staplers, and all sorts of sticky pads.  What the hell do I write about?

Now when I say I “read” blogs, I don’t just happen accross them, read a couple of entries, and move right along to my next new internet bff.  Oh no, no no.  I start from the first entry and read all the way up.  This can take me days.  Most of this is done at work.  Well, some of it… but I digress.  I read religiously.  I feel that by the end of my reading binge, I KNOW the blogger.  They are comforting.  They are like ME.  They are my friend.

Do you see now why I spend a lot of time reading blogs as opposed to, oh I don’t know, spending time outdoors with real people?  Haha, I joke. 

But seriously, all of these people have their own brand of life experience.  Waiterrant wrote eloquently and wisely about working in the restaurant biz.  Got himself a book deal.  Not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of even just being a reader of his blog…My friend got a book deal!  Woo!!!!

Barmaid writes about being a bartender.  That shizz is pretty captivating.  Oh, and she likes the ladies.  AWESOME.  I do too.  She is basically like an older sister who I try, or will try eventually, to emulate (in personality, ballsiness, and lady-getting abilities).

Baking With Plath— jesus christ.  Hers is the first blog I go to when I am ready to start the work day.  In the morning, all I need is my oatmeal, my three ib profens to start my curing the hangover process, and my Baking with Plath.  That is ALL I NEED.  And this girl never fails to (a) have an updated blog ready for me to giggle to when I come in and (b) enlighten me.

Jason Mulgrew…oh yes.  His was the first blog I came upon back in the day.  I laughed with him, at him, next to him at a bar (in a dream I had once). When he got his book deal, I was there. When he got on that list of sexy men, I was there. I was there when he went on his various trips, when he drank far too much with friends (always), when he moved to LA, when he battled the racoon. The list goes on- also, I don’t have a great memory (read: I dont have one at all), so I can’t really add much else to the list right now.

I could go on and on about the blogs I read. In fact, I just finished Single At 24’s latest update and am about to visit Your Beard is Good.

Hmm, I just realized how sad I sound. I just have a lot of time at work. You know how it is. I really do have a life!! Really!! Guys? ….guys?

Which brings me to my last point of this entry- I am finally ready to share a bit of my life with you guys. Maybe even share a couple of life philosophies, tiny bits of wisdom, random theories I’ve come up with over the years, etc. Oh and the drunk stories, because I sure love the drink.
When BWP wrote about drinking a bottle of wine to herself while watching the Hills– I actually said OUT LOUD “I did that weekly!”. How I explained that little shout-out to my boss is a different story. I’ve recently started to/through about cutting down dramatically on the alcohol intake because I’ve realized that I tend to make most of my important decisions when I’m drunk. And rarely are they good ones. Most of them involve bean and cheese and guac burritos and more alcohol (and hey, why not a KitKat bar as well??).

So yeah. Stories. I have them.

I want YOU to read this blog.

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